More

First off, thanks to both amazing people who left amazing comments on my last post. Both of you have given me food for thought.

My greatest fear is leading a small life. Not because I desire fame or personal glory. But I have this feeling--this burning feeling that I was meant for so much more. I look at my parents and all the adults around me, and I'm disenchanted. I look at myself and know I wasn't made for a small, suburban life. Not in an "I just KNOW I'm the next American idol" delusion kind of way, either. And all this sounds so shallow and self-absorbed and probably makes me look like a terrible Christian. But leading a small life scares me to death. This much I know. I cannot become caught up in dinner parties and mowing the lawn and returning library books and driving my kids to soccer games. Somehow, I know that's not for me. 

Who am I to say what I am meant for? I know I am not God. But perhaps it is possible to have an inkling of what is to happen without knowing the full story, eh? It sounds too prideful to say "I am destined for greatness." Yet I know I was meant for something bigger than leading a typical life. Maybe it's because I'm atypical that I feel so estranged from the typical sort of life. I'm too bold to be confined to just my social circle. I'm too opinionated to silently agree or disagree with people. I'm too proactive to sit back and let others change the world. I'm too loud to not speak up. I'm too ambitious to settle for a dead-end job. I don't fit the mold of a typical person.  

And this is where I become confused and discouraged. Because I don't yet see how those aspects of my personality can do anything when I am so ungifted otherwise.

My greatest fear is that I will settle for something that doesn't have a loud, radical impact on the world. I am too bold to be content with inflicting quiet change. Perhaps that is selfish. But perhaps God made me loud for a reason.